请问。。。现在几点了？it has been...about 2 weeks le ba, 2 weeks i havent been blogging, its not bcos im busy, i am online most of the time and visit my blog 3 4 times a day, but i didnt have the mood to blog. this place is suspose to be a place i throw my worries and stress into, making me feel better, but life is in such a mess now i dunno where am i, who am i and why i am doing certain things. i have many things to say, but dunno how to start, many ppl i wanna see, but dunno where they are, many things i wanna do, but dunno what it is. already 7 months as a JC student, but still trying to get out of the dilemma, still trying to get used to the new phase of my life.

i seem to have lost my life. this two weeks...i dunno what i have been doing...really dunno what direction im heading. i really hate to wear a mask around the place, but most of the time i must appear to be super high and happy infront of me, but who will know the wider my smile is, the bigger the void is in my heart. i love to smile, be cheerful and see others around me smiling, feeling happy as well. but why is everyone not letting me be myself? why is everyone and everything pouring so much agony and sorrow upon me? i feel as if i got the dementor's kiss...lol

sometimes look into the mirror, and ask...why am i smiling? am i really happy about my life? enjoying the simple pleasure of being myself? and there, hidden under the mask, is a face which resembles a prisoner, deprived of freedom and showered with pain and agony. then i will look around me, look at all the ppl around me, my school, my room...where do i belong? what should i do? who can i open myself to? where is the place i should be? or is everyone around me enjoying themselves? or are they just like me, hiding their true emotions under the mask. i really miss the old times, when life was so simple, nth to worry abt but academics, and i am easily satisfied with one intriguting computer game like NBA LIVE!! i had a clear goal, and just one goal, and we had so little things to worry abt. in the past i didnt know how to appreciate the life i led, i did know how fortunate i was, now i know...bcos now im in hell.

i miss being myself again. wearing my tie, pining my badge and cliping on the tie pin, walking into the school, proud to be who i am, a student leader, someone whom teachers and friends trust, someone whom is looked upon as a righteous person who will nvr do anything wrong( at least i thought that way la, but i believe many ppl treat us SLs as crap...)i had a nerdy hairstyle, high socks and shirts that are forever tucked in, but it didnt make me feel outcasted amongst all my friends who were so cool and hip, bcos i believe that i had a responsibility others dun, i treat teachers as friends and they in turn gave me trust, i did my job and enjoyed every bit of it. now i walked into sajc with heads low, and teachers always pick on me for my hair, my friends says that im "not trustworthy", and teachers dun trust me like they use to, my studies is also in the bottom of the well. i really dunno whats wrong with me man, maybe its like what royston said, i dun have the responsibility as a leader anymore, so i slacked down, or maybe i had been too much of a "good boy" in sec sch that i changed completely in JC. i rmb ms tee once told me,"ur responsibilty doesnt end at retirement. you have to still uphold on ur beliefs, it doesnt mean u've step down then u can behave in anyway different than ur usual self."this is something like once a saint always a saint theory ba...i must find back who i was in the past and revert of the false images i created for myself, if not i really lost myself.

i've really lost control of my life these 2 weeks or so...i really cannot rmb what was i doing, except gng school, returning home damn early, playing guitar, doing abit work and spending most of the time staring blankly at the computer screen. i am late for everything i do, like somehow i lost touch with what i am doing, like i've lost the meaning to walk on. like gng to bed without switching on the alarm clock, oversleeping on days with morning PW meetings, and the ultimate one, being ONE HOUR late for my national chinese writing competition. last year, every night b4 i sleep, i will remind myself of my goals, all the things i need to do the next day and fall aslp peaceful, nowsday i doze off even b4 i get on my bed, and totally lost any sense of responsibility and urgency. its time to take charge again, get back the control of myself.

my family adds on to my frustration, they dun understand anything im facing now, and how do u expect me to share my problems with them? its just so impossible, my mother will just scream at me and say im crazy and ask me to kick away all the stupid thoughts. my mother and i just dun have the same frequency, and my father i dunno liaoz, i dun even get to see him more that 2 months every year, and my brother can do nth but keep asking qns and invading my privacy. i love to quarrel and scream in frustration last time, maybe i learnt that from my mum...but now i realize it will only make my mother scream even more at me, and i hate her voice blasting into my ears. im already troubled enough and hearing more of those does nth but bad. i learnt to be quiet and peaceful at home, avoiding any quarrels, bcos i realize peace and quiet is what i need most now.

but i really appreciate what my relatives and brothers are doing to help me, they are the ones whom i feel comfortable sharing some of my problems. i know its not right bcos ur parents should be ur closest kins, but sorry i just dun like to share negative feelings with my dearest and closest loved ones. my uncle and aunt both talked to me individual on msn sometime back, and i shared with them some problems i face in academics, and their assuring words made me feel more secure, i know that i have to try my best now, but if i really failed, i could always depend on my family back in china. royston provded me with a good listening ear, the best one can get, i dunno whether he felt sianz when i just threw all my personal problems onto him, or asking him out at 8pm to chit chat about stuff which is totally irrelevant to him. but without him sharing my problems i think i would have broken down, i feel so blessed to have someone i could share my burden with in times of need. benedict has always been very busy with studies, cheerleading and making money, i seldom get to see him nowadays, but im sure he will also be there for me when i need it! thats what brothers are for!

however, life just isnt complete without the other half. you seem really determined, walking past like strangers. even making sure that u will not be in the country on that day. does it really have to be that way? is it true that one only know how to lust for things that are not their, and do not know how to cherish things which they already own? will it really make our life better? no matter what obstacles lies ahead, no matter what ppl say, even if the whole world goes against me, i will continue moving on. no matter how long it is, even if it takes the rest of my life, this special place in my heart will be always reserved for u.

i only have myself to depend on in this world, i am not defeated yet. even though life is tough, even though things didnt went as i wanted it to be, i have not given up. bcos giving up doesnt solve the problem. like what i told yingjie when he ask me to change my table tennis skin,"changing to suit the problem is like escaping the problem, bcos at the end of the day the problem is not solved. what we must do is not changing the racket, but to improve our skills." so i must buck up, pull up my sock and find back myself, 找自己! there must be some meaning and purpose for me to go thru what i am gng thru now. either its to test how i handle failures, or to bounce back from defeats, or to let me understand how true my love can be. only time will tell why im gng thru all this, but for now i will have to pick myself up and walk on with my injured body, time is the only antidote.

LIFE IS A GAME, PLAY IT