long time nvr really sit down and blog my thoughts...i think its bcos the pace of life has became so fast that i've been busy catching up and forgotten to sit and stare. but somehow a fast pace isnt that bad in some aspects, at least it refrained me from generating weird thoughts and wasting my brain cells. I dunno if im crazy of what, but everytime somethings happen i tend to think alot abt it and imagine alot of things...mostly negative, which will make me very moody and hot-tempered(?) i rmb the last time i visited mdm lee, she said to me:"you and i are those ppl who sometimes have very low self-esteem, any small things ppl say or do, we will think that he or she dun like us and start to isolate ourselves from the group..." i dunno if what she say is true, but sometimes i really feel that something is wrong, or questioning myself whether my frequency is the same as the person im talking to, or even in doubt of whether what other ppl say is true. Maybe im putting too much burden onto myself, but i just feel that its not going the right direction. sometimes i also hate myself for not being able to bring happiness, bring joy and laughter to my friends...i once said that i love to see my friends smile, a smile can actually substitute a hundred words, but im not seeing that often from my friends nowadays...in fact my friends seem to enjoy the presence of others more than mine, i know its very selfish thinking that friends cannot prefer other's company, im not thinking that way, i just hate myself for not knowing how to give 100% in the correct way. its a two way cycle, its useless for me to be one way... i hope im being paranoid, that would mean all my assumptions are wrong and things is not as bad as i think it is...
nowadays i finally started to do some schoolwork, actually not much also...only chiong GSC and econs abit, hasnt been doing any maths and physics. but miracusily i got 13/20 for maths test o_o and 34.5/30 for GP O_O i think its either bcos the teaches were too lenient or the questions were too easy la...my last minute studying wouldnt bring me far in jc! nowadays finally got some motivation to concentrate on my work and get back to o'lvl mood, even if its only 5% of the mood i used to have, its a good improvement liao =D I'm really someone who lacks self-discipline and needs someone to constant push me and nag me to starting work...GSC a'lvl is november this year, plus the intensity of PW, and the fear of not being able to promote to J2, there's so many things to worry, but only one brain...there's so many things to do, but only 24 hours a day. Time management...thats what i do worst, i feel that im heading towards a disaster =(
i have been reading up about the massacre at Virginia Tech, i rmb it was the day i just recieved TIME:Virginia Tech Special Report, i "piak" on the sofa and starting reading it immediately, i didnt know how did i get so much energy to read, but the sentence: making sense of a massacre really interested me. As i finished the articles, i realized tears rolling my eyes, i really felt like crying, its been a long long time since words and pictures touched me so much. I cant help but ask where is the love? how can someone be so cruel and inhuman to end 32 innocent lives just like that? u can say its due to mental problems...but this is really too much, you look at the past massacre numbers, the most number of ppl killed is 5, but now we have some crazy killer ending 32 lives in merely a few hours. I read that the killer's mind is full of hatred and anger, thats why he exploded, i also had times which i was so angry and hateful of some ppl, i admit la, i also had thoughts of killing everyone i hated when i was younger, but i dun see a possibility that i'll execute it, bcos im morally grounded, so i wouldnt do anything crazy. maybe the world of the killer was filled with a greater hatred then mine, but i just feel shocked by his doings. the massacre made me realized how fragile is our life, it could be ended in just a split second when u have a crazy classmate running around with a gun and firing at will, all the things u wanted in life, all the efforts u put in to achieve the achieved, all the people u love, ppl who love u and the ppl u want to love...all this will just leave u just like that, is it worth it? is it fair? Tears almost flowed down when i read about this professor blocking the entrance to the classroom so that his students could escape, in the end he sacrificed himself. How many teachers, or even how many people, can do this? it is so heartening to hear about the presence of such noble ppl in this world, this shows our world hasnt been consumed by pragmatism and selfishness. I closed my eyes and imagined myself in that very classroom, with the killer coming nearer the entrance...will i have the courage the block the entrance to let my friends escape? i said to others and myself that even though im not physically strong...i will not allow my loved ones and friends receive any harm, i will do all that i can to protect the people around me. So if my loved ones were in that classroom...will i being willing to sacrifice my life for them? after a truthful recollection, i realized that i wouldnt be able to sacrifice my life for others, sincerely as much as i wanna protect those ppl impt in my life...i am afraid of death. this reflections has revealed to me how weak a person i am, maybe its bcos i've nvr really loved anyone that much that the love can conquer the fear of death. so instead of asking where is the love? i think its more appropriate for me to ask what is love? david tao's love can concert told me that love...love can conquer everything, love can do everything...becos LOVE CAN, but what is this love we're talking about? many ppl go through life without ever understanding what true love means...im one of them, i have been listening to david tao's 爱很简单, 爱是个什么东西 and reflecting upon the lyrics, but i believe u need to experience love to really understand it, im still a immature and childish person who doesnt know about love, but i'll try my best to shower my love to all my loved ones, but if i make any mistakes on the way i really hope to be forgiven... and back to the massacre, david tao's Dear God summarises all my feelings, with globalisation the concept of love is getting more and more abstract, so b4 i let myself become consumed by busyness again....i just wanna remind everyone that ultimately love is what makes this world go round, so cherish life and your loved ones, and do not hesitate to show ur love to others, life is a short and quick journey, many opportunities will be lost if you think too much and hesitate too long, so if u have a dream...dun worry Runaway!!(this is also a david tao song =P)