this few days i've been thinking about alot of stuffs...mostly irrelevant to what im suspose to do la but i cant help it...the new CG and timetables were finally out this week and sadly to say i dun really enjoy myself in my CG...sorry CG peeps its not ur fault, i somehow feel an emptiness within me...like there's something i should do...something that is lacking in my life and something that is gng wrong with the world i live in now. as much as i can rmb...this week might be the worst week i spent in sajc...most of the time u'll see me walking around the campus aimlessly and looking around...thats bcos i cant find anyone i know and can talk to anywhere in school...soi thought why dont i just hang around with my CG ppl, which i did most of the time...but even though we had fun and laughter...i still feel that im constantly searching for something or someonw in the crowds...hoping someone will appear...i feel that there's stuff i should say and someone i should look for...but...
life has its ups and downs and sadly i've been hovering deep under for a long long long long time...i shant talk abt the academic side anymore...but now im also deep in the valley for my sports...when i realized that im staying in SA i thought to myself that i must achieve something during my stay and make myself better than those ppl in nj...i thought i was on the right track for table tennis...only to realize the big gap between me and my teammates...i confess that i had a great setback when i know that im not gng to play in the competition bcos all along i thought that i had a chance to play doubles...but i realized that i still have many problems...esp the unstable offensive that loses most points...i fully understand and accept the fact that im not good enough and putting me on the frontline will mean putting sajc's top 4 spot at risk...im just very angry at myself...bcos seeing the way i play and the way others play...i really have a feeling of injustice...bcos i know my techniques are better...i trust that my coach taught me well...sorry teammates im not trying to insult u all of anything....but from my viewpoint i find that technique wise i understand every stroke better....but when it comes down to competiton....i will always lose terribly cos i couldnt execute properly and lack in experience....i really hate myself for no improving and not playing practically and doing pragmatic stuff...and when my teammates start telling me..."yuchuan u make too many mistakes...when the ball come dun try to attack...just bring the ball over first...play steady...." yea i understand all this but i also understand that based on the techniques i learnt...i couldve attacked the ball...but i couldnt execute it well.....see my techniques turning more and more passive...seeing the level of my skills dropping day by day...i really want to give myself 2 tight slaps and bang my head on the wall...i feel that i've let my coach in xiamen down...i feel that i've let my teammates downs...i feel that i've let my partner down and most imptly...i feel that i've let myself down... JC is only 2 shorts years....if i wanna achieve something in table tennis...i have to buck up quuickly and improve drastically...i hope that day will come when i play on par with the best players in my team and become an asset and not a burden...
that afternoon i had early dismissal and was waiting for training to start in 1 hours time...but sadly no one i know was around to chit chat with me so i walked alone around the campus...i walked and walked and walked...suddenly i realized im in the dark and vacant hall...no one was there yet...i placed my bag down and sat...and all of a sudden a strong sense of loneliness fell on me...then i started thinking...why is life for meaningless for me now? where is the motivation? where is the drive? do i still have anything that will propel me forward? if life is so meaningless....why dont we just end it all? why are we waiting for? izzit becos we fear death? then why do we fear death? if we fear death does it mean that there's something in life that is worth living for? but what is this worthwhile thing? i see nothing in life that is so great, so great that we should spend all our efforts striving for it...bcos everything will come to an end one day...we work so hard for 10 years for a olvl cert...and until jc that cert becomes useless...how long was the glory we felt? maybe 1 week? or maybe 2 weeks? thats is only 0.4% of the time we put in...so is life worth living for?? as an economist its clears not a good bargain...but why are we still so pathetically struggling in this crazy world? maybe i will nvr get the answer to all these crap questions i randomly asked myself...but one thing is for sure....i have to continue struggling in this crazy society and try to make my mark....bcos im still searching for the truth...the purpose...and the reason of life
regarding my studies...i've decided to take my alvls H1 subject at the end of this year...which i think will be a tedious process bcos i have many things to do nowadays...but i shall try my best...i've really been lagging in my work...this week my maths tutor ask me to show my working on the board....and i havent even done a single qns...so no choice...went up on board to solve on the spot....as usual la got it damn wrong and its suspose to be damn easy qns....even though its just a small incident...i reminded me of something...my purpose here is to study...even though i might not be where i wanted to be...but i want to do well...and i dun wanna fail myself again...so i should really buck and do something abt my work...and something abt my life...
campus auditions 2 is 1 day and 1 hour time...and i havent really decided what song to sing...i prepared a few songs la...getting kinda nervous abt it now bcos many ppl knew abt this and have high hopes on me...but i know very well that my singing is not good and technique wise its sucks even more...so if i really make it thru 2nd round i must really thank everyone i know and the person up there for being so kind to me...but nevertheless i joined the competition bcos i have a certain amount of confidence in winning...so i will perform to the best of my abilities and try to impress the judges as much as impossible...and friends no matter whether u will come down to support me or not...i really thank you for all ur encouragements...i hope i will not disappoint u all and also not disappoint myself...
maybe that person up there bless me....arigato...