请问。。。现在几点了？it has been...about 2 weeks le ba, 2 weeks i havent been blogging, its not bcos im busy, i am online most of the time and visit my blog 3 4 times a day, but i didnt have the mood to blog. this place is suspose to be a place i throw my worries and stress into, making me feel better, but life is in such a mess now i dunno where am i, who am i and why i am doing certain things. i have many things to say, but dunno how to start, many ppl i wanna see, but dunno where they are, many things i wanna do, but dunno what it is. already 7 months as a JC student, but still trying to get out of the dilemma, still trying to get used to the new phase of my life.

i seem to have lost my life. this two weeks...i dunno what i have been doing...really dunno what direction im heading. i really hate to wear a mask around the place, but most of the time i must appear to be super high and happy infront of me, but who will know the wider my smile is, the bigger the void is in my heart. i love to smile, be cheerful and see others around me smiling, feeling happy as well. but why is everyone not letting me be myself? why is everyone and everything pouring so much agony and sorrow upon me? i feel as if i got the dementor's kiss...lol

sometimes look into the mirror, and ask...why am i smiling? am i really happy about my life? enjoying the simple pleasure of being myself? and there, hidden under the mask, is a face which resembles a prisoner, deprived of freedom and showered with pain and agony. then i will look around me, look at all the ppl around me, my school, my room...where do i belong? what should i do? who can i open myself to? where is the place i should be? or is everyone around me enjoying themselves? or are they just like me, hiding their true emotions under the mask. i really miss the old times, when life was so simple, nth to worry abt but academics, and i am easily satisfied with one intriguting computer game like NBA LIVE!! i had a clear goal, and just one goal, and we had so little things to worry abt. in the past i didnt know how to appreciate the life i led, i did know how fortunate i was, now i know...bcos now im in hell.

i miss being myself again. wearing my tie, pining my badge and cliping on the tie pin, walking into the school, proud to be who i am, a student leader, someone whom teachers and friends trust, someone whom is looked upon as a righteous person who will nvr do anything wrong( at least i thought that way la, but i believe many ppl treat us SLs as crap...)i had a nerdy hairstyle, high socks and shirts that are forever tucked in, but it didnt make me feel outcasted amongst all my friends who were so cool and hip, bcos i believe that i had a responsibility others dun, i treat teachers as friends and they in turn gave me trust, i did my job and enjoyed every bit of it. now i walked into sajc with heads low, and teachers always pick on me for my hair, my friends says that im "not trustworthy", and teachers dun trust me like they use to, my studies is also in the bottom of the well. i really dunno whats wrong with me man, maybe its like what royston said, i dun have the responsibility as a leader anymore, so i slacked down, or maybe i had been too much of a "good boy" in sec sch that i changed completely in JC. i rmb ms tee once told me,"ur responsibilty doesnt end at retirement. you have to still uphold on ur beliefs, it doesnt mean u've step down then u can behave in anyway different than ur usual self."this is something like once a saint always a saint theory ba...i must find back who i was in the past and revert of the false images i created for myself, if not i really lost myself.

i've really lost control of my life these 2 weeks or so...i really cannot rmb what was i doing, except gng school, returning home damn early, playing guitar, doing abit work and spending most of the time staring blankly at the computer screen. i am late for everything i do, like somehow i lost touch with what i am doing, like i've lost the meaning to walk on. like gng to bed without switching on the alarm clock, oversleeping on days with morning PW meetings, and the ultimate one, being ONE HOUR late for my national chinese writing competition. last year, every night b4 i sleep, i will remind myself of my goals, all the things i need to do the next day and fall aslp peaceful, nowsday i doze off even b4 i get on my bed, and totally lost any sense of responsibility and urgency. its time to take charge again, get back the control of myself.

my family adds on to my frustration, they dun understand anything im facing now, and how do u expect me to share my problems with them? its just so impossible, my mother will just scream at me and say im crazy and ask me to kick away all the stupid thoughts. my mother and i just dun have the same frequency, and my father i dunno liaoz, i dun even get to see him more that 2 months every year, and my brother can do nth but keep asking qns and invading my privacy. i love to quarrel and scream in frustration last time, maybe i learnt that from my mum...but now i realize it will only make my mother scream even more at me, and i hate her voice blasting into my ears. im already troubled enough and hearing more of those does nth but bad. i learnt to be quiet and peaceful at home, avoiding any quarrels, bcos i realize peace and quiet is what i need most now.

but i really appreciate what my relatives and brothers are doing to help me, they are the ones whom i feel comfortable sharing some of my problems. i know its not right bcos ur parents should be ur closest kins, but sorry i just dun like to share negative feelings with my dearest and closest loved ones. my uncle and aunt both talked to me individual on msn sometime back, and i shared with them some problems i face in academics, and their assuring words made me feel more secure, i know that i have to try my best now, but if i really failed, i could always depend on my family back in china. royston provded me with a good listening ear, the best one can get, i dunno whether he felt sianz when i just threw all my personal problems onto him, or asking him out at 8pm to chit chat about stuff which is totally irrelevant to him. but without him sharing my problems i think i would have broken down, i feel so blessed to have someone i could share my burden with in times of need. benedict has always been very busy with studies, cheerleading and making money, i seldom get to see him nowadays, but im sure he will also be there for me when i need it! thats what brothers are for!

however, life just isnt complete without the other half. you seem really determined, walking past like strangers. even making sure that u will not be in the country on that day. does it really have to be that way? is it true that one only know how to lust for things that are not their, and do not know how to cherish things which they already own? will it really make our life better? no matter what obstacles lies ahead, no matter what ppl say, even if the whole world goes against me, i will continue moving on. no matter how long it is, even if it takes the rest of my life, this special place in my heart will be always reserved for u.

i only have myself to depend on in this world, i am not defeated yet. even though life is tough, even though things didnt went as i wanted it to be, i have not given up. bcos giving up doesnt solve the problem. like what i told yingjie when he ask me to change my table tennis skin,"changing to suit the problem is like escaping the problem, bcos at the end of the day the problem is not solved. what we must do is not changing the racket, but to improve our skills." so i must buck up, pull up my sock and find back myself, 找自己! there must be some meaning and purpose for me to go thru what i am gng thru now. either its to test how i handle failures, or to bounce back from defeats, or to let me understand how true my love can be. only time will tell why im gng thru all this, but for now i will have to pick myself up and walk on with my injured body, time is the only antidote.

LIFE IS A GAME, PLAY IT




星期天深夜 那都不想去 也无法入睡
看着我手机 持续在发呆 喝了七分醉
闭上了眼睛 试着不想你 但已来不及
忘了如何 让眼泪停止留下
还好没人看见 没人会说话
永远不会有任何人 能代替你
这就是遗憾的滋味 陪着我形影不离
明天我会面带微笑 但无法忘记你
等待
我随时随地在等待 做你感情上的依赖
我没有任何的疑问 这是爱
我猜
你早就想要说明白 我觉得自己好失败
从天堂掉落到深渊 多无奈
我愿意改变 but what can i do?
重新再来一遍 will you give me another chance?
我无法只是普通朋友
感情已那么深 叫我怎么能收手?
我感激你对我这样的坦白
但我给你的爱暂时收不回来




my room is gone, its occupied, and i am stucked in the guest room with a lousy fan which barely creates any wind...and thanks to my brother, i cannot stay over at royston's house. No computer to use after 10pm bcos my mother's guests from china sleeps early, lucky i still have my guitar to accompany thru the night.

im not procrastinating la, cos my mum also didnt want to accept the guests, for some personal reasons, but she had no choice bcos she didnt want to affect her relationships with her old classmates. so my room was sacrificed lor...lol cant wait for monday, when i will get back into my room.

today og27 didnt have any outing or BBQ, for the simple reason that too few ppl can make it, everyone is occupied by somethings like CCA, tuition and other stuff, which i can understand, so i just called it off, postponed to next weekend, ppl plz make urself available!! thanks! but im also very very annoyed by some ppl, i really had a hard time asking everyone to go and waiting for comfirmation, checking out the bbq food and eeyen also check out the pit for me, so of cos i will feel some degree of discourage-ness when so many tell me they cant go, but i know its hard to plan outing during this period so i anticipated this will happen and can accept it, but plz la, spare me a thought and dun pour cold water on me, i wanted to tell this certain someone that outing is cancelled, then what reply did i get? "Like obvious. No one can go dude. XXX got stuff. XXX got stuff. I got stuff." i threw my phone on the bed as soon as i saw this msg, what are you trying to tell me? Like obvious? so i was being stupid by informing u that outing is cancelled? or i was stupid to plan an outing in the first place? you didnt even bothered to tell me you couldnt make it, and here u are trying to act smart and make me look stupid...haiz i really duno if thats ur true intention or u are merely too insensitive to people's feelings. its not like im paid to plan outings, or im planning outing for my own pleasure, so at least reply with a nicer tone...i hope im not being too demanding, maybe i am being too narrow-minded.

i know that theres different type of ppl in our society and i used to create alot of enemies bcos of my carelessness in speech, so i always believe i can stand different type of ppl more than most ppl. so i must constantly remind myself that i must face everyone and anyone with a forgiving heart and accepting heart.

i know i made myself look ugly by complaining and grumbling so much about a small thing, but this IS my blog right? i dunno any other ways to get rid of this annoyance in me except to throw them all into my blog, i apologize if i offended anyone with my words.

i also hope anyhow who felt offended by my words b4, to forgive me too. i always get carried away and bcome careless about what i say, but you know i will nvr mean anything bad...so try to understand, ppl make mistakes, i tend to make more mistakes than others, correction and forgiveness is the only thing that can save me, so yeap so sorry peeps!

BBQ outing will be next saturday! this time must make it a successful and funfilled one, and it will only be enjoyable if everyone goes for it! i will start asking ppl again, but if u know u can make it, dun wait for me to invite you, tell me you can come and i will greatly appreciate it! sorry eeyen! i failed to plan for u a joyful bday bbq party...forgive me, i will try my best to make next saturday possible!




its has been a long time since i posted something decent and substantial on my blog, have been playing around with pictures all these while. even though some may say a picture speaks a thousand words, i feel that my true feelings can only be represented through words. This is somewhat like a sequel from my post long time ago, about this thing called LOVE!

Love is ART, Acceptance Respect Trust. Love without which, i believe, will nvr sustain, might not even happen. Some ppl of our age thinks that love is all about Admiration Recreation and Tolerance, which i think is totally wrong. Admiration is not a form of love, its how to appreciate beauty and charm, falling in love bcos of admiration childish and stupid. Some ppl think that love is a game, purely for recreation, to find someone u can always go out and happy with, and they keep changing partners, as if it was changing clothes, where is the love? and last there's this interesting thing called tolerance, sometimes you think if you stand some of your partner's flaws, then ur love will last. but thats not always true, bcos deep inside you still do not accept their flaws, so the thing that makes love last should be acceptance, you learn to accept and appreciate who they are, think in their shoes, and help them correct their flaws.

many ppl are into relationships at our age, but how far does all these relationship get? we see this couple today and tmr they break, for the exact reason that they didnt sort the ART b4 they commit, that what i think. During our NS talk an exstudent was saying "girls when ur bf go army, they will be very lonely, try to understand them", then one qns struck me, will teenage love from JC or secondary schools last thru NS? or is NS is ultimate terminator of love? haha just thought of something benedict told me b4, goes something like "find a gf in jc or poly, if after NS still nvr break, then can prepare for marriage liao" which is in some sense true. I believe true love, true friendships can withstand the wear and tear of time and distance. The person with love might be studying in the uni while we're praying in the shaolin temple, he or she might go overseas to study while i am stucked in a local uni...all these things could happen but its there for a purpose, to test how strong love can be.

so to all those who still havent said what u want to say to him or her, dun hesitate anymore, becos time is running out, JC or poly isnt very long a time to spare, love must also be built over time. but b4 u embark on anything, plz rmb the ART of love, bcos im sure u want ur relationships to last right? haha...

i dunno if what i crapped above was correct...just my own understanding, you might have different views...haha realize i blogged a pile of crap above, maybe bcos just had a bottle of vodka...ppl tend to talk more crap when they are drunk right? lol my mother is complaining my room smell of alcohol liao...and my face is all red...opps im such a lousy drinker...pardon me lol...

on a lighter note, i wanna talk about my academics. Now my top priority is academics already, after i receive my collection of UMBRELLAS from sajc, i realized im being pushed to the edge of the cliff, and if i dun work hard now, there goes my future. got abit of mood to study these few days, all of a sudden, instead of switching on the comp as soon as i reach home, i began to sit down on my study table and chiong work. i dunno if there's enough time to catch up on the past 6 mths cos more new topics are coming up, but even if its the impossible, i have to make it possible. Saw how sad my friends in class were after being given 4 saints UMBRELLAS to hold, i suddenly feel my class changed, and i have to change as well, i can let myself down!

of cos academics aside, my other concerns are relationship, finance and social life. still waiting...have been spending alot these few weeks, had expensive lunches, spent alot on unneeded food, bought alot og luxury goods and went out quite many times. my bank acc has dried up already...its time to save. I NEED GLUE...IM BROKE

i also havent forgotten my passions, sometimes during the days i will feel this loneliness in me, this sianness...lucky there's training to look forward to, even though table tennis is damn slack now, i realize that after resting my racket for almost 2 months, i can actually play better! maybe last time i was too stressed up...and during the quiet and emo nights...while i stare at the comp screen, my guitar is always there to accompany me, i love the feeling of playing guitar at 12 midnight, the plucking of the strings, the sound of the guitar as i sang along with the tune, its so relaxing, so destressing and just fantastic feeling. when everything else is so quiet, and u can only hear the guitar and your own voice...but of cos, these are not the voice i most desire to hear.

my head is getting heavy...lol bcos im getting sleepy...sleep after a drink is so easy and relaxing...i just realized this week, monday did the same thing la, drank a bottle of bacardi breezer than ZZZzzzz cos i normally can fall asleep very easily, too much thoughts gng thru my brain. but dun worry! im not a drunken, i dun drink alcohol everyday, bacardi is just like fruit punch with like 4% alcohol? lol its child's play for most, but its enough to make me all red...haha

signing off now, tmr is sajc sc commentation at st andrew catheral, wonder if theres gng to be any fun stuff to look forward to after it...lol next time!




i know this is abit late, its not my fault! i only got the photos 3rd day after exams and its ALOT of pictures, 1GB actually...so i had to select the pictures and upload them one by one...very painstaking, and this post is gng to be SUPER LONG!! cos of all the pictures, dun get discouraged plz, cos i really spent a long time uploading! haha so scroll till the end...so sleepy now, i need a power nap!!! but i shall blog about my enjoyable shanghai trip first!shanghai trip was boring in the content, haha cos we visited nth but TEMPLESSSS and MUSEUMSSSSSS, but the fun came from the team bonding and in the night...lol
looks similar huh? haha this is our first group photo after arrival! at 外滩, behind the 东方明珠. spirits were high! and it was VERY windy, the lady in white was our tour guide in shanghai and hangzhou
my roommate, kelvin, who was also the camera man...haha thanks him for the 1GB photos
2nd stop in shanghai, Nanjing Street Shopping!! haha my team all wanted to shop shop and shop, everyone just rushed off into the shopping malls as soon as we arrived, this cute train is like the LRT within the street, cos the whole place is damn big, if u are tired u can pay 2rmb to sit on it and it will bring you all around nanjing street! i didnt take it cos i was busying shopping too! haha with kelvin yuyang and karen, yuyang is from shanghai, so thanks to her we got alot of discounts in bargaining!
kelvin.yuyang.karen.me. if u wonder why i look so shiny...lol cos i took this picture! haha kelvin was saying he wanna take 4 of us and the nice background behind, but we had no 5th person, so i created this "special" self-taking method, which was quite "impressive" huh?
We got bored while waiting to leave nanjing street, so tried being retarded by irritating the kid and his mother...first restaurant we had our dinner, the toilet sign is damn interesting, the lights will blink one...so it actually shows things shooting out...yucks! i had my dinner with this sign blinking just beside me...

early in the morning, visited shanghai museum, we did browsed thru some artefacts and art pieces, but in the end 4 of us PS the whole group and went somewhere nearby to shop! even ms ong followed us, yuyang led the way. of cos later ganna scolded by jiwen...but manged to purchase many interesting things.

saw a big gap between this two fella, so i added myself into the picture...lol retarded i know

2nd stop of the day, Shanghai City Planning Museum

this is one of the gardens in suzhou, u cant see from here, but behind us is a lake, and im squatting on a small rock just beside the lake, high risk of falling back and...

kelvin was showing me his camera functions, and this one is cool, u select a colour and it will only take picture with that colour! for this picture, he selected the brownish gold from my shirt

o yea, this is how our dinner and lunch 24/7 looked like, almost the exact same food, just quality worse and worse...2 extreme incidents...lol yihan was helping us put ice cubes into our cups, after he helped 4 of us, we realized there's a dead cockroach inside the ice jar....then theres the vege, i ate and ate, until i saw a 20cm long hair inside the plate....grossss.....i've been in china for 17 years, and i've nvr encountered such lousy food

this is how our hotel room in sushou looked like, and YES its the toilet behind the blurry window...this room is already much better than the shanghai hotel, which i forgot to take a picture, shanghai's one is totally no door, no walls, no lock, only TRANSPARENT CLEAR glass....

this is how clear u can see one bathing....

4th day

westlake in hangzhou! we were planning to visit one of the schools for TT match that afternoon

after the crowded westlake, we went to this tea farm...quite famous for its longjing teasome incident happened that day, between yingjie and lucas, details...i shall help them keep it a secret...but u can see how black lucas' face was...lol after lunch went SHOPPing AGAIN!!!
this is the school, hangzhou tourism school, beautiful campus right? how we wished SAJC was like this...and they had this big street at the entrance, digital one, which said "Welcome students from SAJC" haha guess we felt quite honoured?
TT match was crap, the students there cant even play the game properly, but its not their fault, the teachers and tour agency didnt plan our trip properly anyway. i look weird in the phot? haha cos lucas smacked the ball onto my arm by accident and i jumped in pain...lol
students from the school whom join us in our game, however most of us got sianz and went to play soccer with them instead, which they proved to be much better in...me however...lol play like 10 over matches with those enthusiast...for recreation purpose...and plus i hate soccer!

5th Day

still at hangzhou, visited the holy place for buddhism, Daxiong Palace? i hope i named it correctly...quite sian actually, just walked around and sightsee abit...

the legendary one line sky...erm dunno how to say in english...but it basically a dark cave, ppl say if u go inside the cave and can see a tiny bit of sky from the ceiling...u have "chemistry" with buddhism...haha and guess what? i saw it!!! lol but it was bcos many ppl was around that "spot" and some ppl were guiding us to see the small crack in the cave...

TEMPLES again!! this time is YueFei Temple..as sianz as ever...

statue of the 2 person whom framed yuefei, alot of ppl were spitting on them so theres a sign nearby which says "no spitting" lol after that we went shopping again..this is getting boring i know...

6th Day...Last Day!

we proposed to wake up late that morning, bcos we were all totally beat. then we got fed up with the lousy food, so we told the tour guide to combine our lunch and dinner money and go somewhere good. so we went Changhuang Temple...which is a shopping area...to eat the famous xiao long bao...best food we had in 6 days man...then some of us fork out our own money and order more baos, including this soup bao...damn cute sia!

let the picture do the talking...

just b4 departure, we visit the top of the 东方明珠...260 plus storeys tall...it was a great view from above..and we had lots of fun taking photos
last group photo, it was raining but we were all super high! this ended off my 6 day team trip in shanghai, a city which i am much familar with, but this trip packed loads of different feelings, all of us sure feel more like a team now, we were all backed refreshed, bonded and loaded with good memories...i will definitely visit shanghai again, but the feeling will nvr be the same...thanks SATT!!




blogging at the school's computer lab, becos i ended at 12.30pm and dun feel like gng home so early. Today got back 2 out of my 3 H2 subjects results, the results were as i expected. Actually i shouldnt be feeling any pain or sorrow, bcos i didnt put in much effort to prepare for the exams and from the moment i left the exam room, i anticipated the worst. But somehow deep in my heart i was hoping for a miracle to happen, which obviously it didnt, i dunno why i am feeling so down and tired today, demoralized maybe. i am always a high aimer, but currently all that i wanna do is to promote at the end of the year, they always say "aim for the stars, so u will fall upon the clouds" so if i aim just to be promoted, i'll most likely be retained...that what i do not want to see...dunno what has destroyed and lowered my standards for myself so much, i better buck up and get back on course, aim for As for the promo exams, which i need, cos based n CT, i will need to score As to keep me alive...

the title of my post today is 1,2,3...我们都是木头人, this is also the title for david tao's world tour. Just as david tao says, the pace of life in this world we are living today is too fast, everyone is trying their best to impress others, singers using awesome names and packaging to get attention, adults using monetary achievements to show how successful they are, students striving for the best results to impress their parents and friends...you are much blinded by the true beauty of life, which lies in the most basic and natural part of our childhood. just like the game some of us played as a child, one of us cover our eyes and count to three, when he open his eyes, all the rest must freeze in position, anyone caught moving will be punished. this game sounds retarded to us now, just like many other childish games we play in our early youths, but this retarded and childish period is also the most innocent, pure and truthful period of our lifes, where there is not fierce competitions, brutal rivalries, lies...etc...only if we could live in that type of society forever, even though we all know all impossible it is, what we can still do is to embrace it once in a while, thru having a retreat from the busy cities and crazy society, or listening to great music from david tao, thats why i'll definitely be getting the best ticket for david tao's singapore concert, whenever it is, it will be a time of enjoyment, a time for retreat and a time for recollection.

as humans, we have wants...unlimited wants, and thats the basis for all economic theories. and all our wants are the reason for the society to transform to what it is today. sometimes we might find our friends using various undesirable ways to satisfy their wants, we might also be doing wrong things just to get what we want. knowing this, we should learn to understand our friends sometimes, why certain ppl behave in certain way, and try to avoid negative impacts on yourself. we should also keep our incomes and expenses checked, so we too not get consumed by superficial wants.

yesterday afternoon finally managed to grab royston to see mdm lee, haha it was hard to find a timing which both royston and mdm lee are free. at first the talks were all more general, and royston didnt talked much thru out the afternoon, but later in the evening the topics turned to more personal and sensitive side, and we got to know somethings about mdm lee's life which was long kept unknown to her students, i believe royston also learnt some useful tips that evening. Sometimes things in life just doesnt go the way we hope to be, but what we can do is the make the best out of every situation facing us, and thats how we can survive in life andf rise to the top.

so now the situation in school and getting abit out of hand for me, my studies is in a total mess, but the past 6 months cannot be retrieved and have to move on with whatever grades i attained. there's still the promos to prepare for and its gng to be my final and only try left, if i fail again then i can only blame myself for not being disciplined enough and not living up to my standard. by now i shouldnt be hovering around post olvl period, olvl is over and done, so what if i got 9 points, so what if my dream school is njc and i am in sajc, everything is out of the context already, im am underperforming and thats a hard fact, im performing worse than many of the double digit scorers. olvls results is just a piece of paper of now...FORGET IT!! its time to get down to business...beginning with the end in mind...4 As for promos! yes i can do it....

Gibson Epiphone PR-4E!!

close up : my epiphone amp

Black-ish head

entering a new phase of my guitaring life, still couldnt believe i only started my first lesson in May...i really feel very fortunate to be able to enjoy the guitar, it has helped me thru the lowest period of my roller coaster rides, the toughest period of JC life and so on...guitar is definitely one of the most enjoyable instrument to play, and i hope my skills will improve as i embark on a new journey with a guitar on my back...and a hole in my wallet.

got a terrible terrible headache yesterday night, so slept as soon as i reached home, shall blogg abt my eventful weekend. Highlight this weekend is the change of the hp! finally got out from the stone age and into modern times...

Turtle Picks!

weekend has been a tiring and money-consuming time for me, suddenly got so many things i wanna buy and so little money...my ban accc is gng to dry up soon, how i wish money rain down from the sky...haha ok im being retarded, cant wait to get my new guitar tmr, its gng to be the first guitar i buy for myself! hope i didnt make the wrong decision....

11.20pm: where are you? i want to see your words, hear your voice, see your face...