long time nvr really sit down and blog my thoughts...i think its bcos the pace of life has became so fast that i've been busy catching up and forgotten to sit and stare. but somehow a fast pace isnt that bad in some aspects, at least it refrained me from generating weird thoughts and wasting my brain cells. I dunno if im crazy of what, but everytime somethings happen i tend to think alot abt it and imagine alot of things...mostly negative, which will make me very moody and hot-tempered(?) i rmb the last time i visited mdm lee, she said to me:"you and i are those ppl who sometimes have very low self-esteem, any small things ppl say or do, we will think that he or she dun like us and start to isolate ourselves from the group..." i dunno if what she say is true, but sometimes i really feel that something is wrong, or questioning myself whether my frequency is the same as the person im talking to, or even in doubt of whether what other ppl say is true. Maybe im putting too much burden onto myself, but i just feel that its not going the right direction. sometimes i also hate myself for not being able to bring happiness, bring joy and laughter to my friends...i once said that i love to see my friends smile, a smile can actually substitute a hundred words, but im not seeing that often from my friends nowadays...in fact my friends seem to enjoy the presence of others more than mine, i know its very selfish thinking that friends cannot prefer other's company, im not thinking that way, i just hate myself for not knowing how to give 100% in the correct way. its a two way cycle, its useless for me to be one way... i hope im being paranoid, that would mean all my assumptions are wrong and things is not as bad as i think it is...
nowadays i finally started to do some schoolwork, actually not much also...only chiong GSC and econs abit, hasnt been doing any maths and physics. but miracusily i got 13/20 for maths test o_o and 34.5/30 for GP O_O i think its either bcos the teaches were too lenient or the questions were too easy la...my last minute studying wouldnt bring me far in jc! nowadays finally got some motivation to concentrate on my work and get back to o'lvl mood, even if its only 5% of the mood i used to have, its a good improvement liao =D I'm really someone who lacks self-discipline and needs someone to constant push me and nag me to starting work...GSC a'lvl is november this year, plus the intensity of PW, and the fear of not being able to promote to J2, there's so many things to worry, but only one brain...there's so many things to do, but only 24 hours a day. Time management...thats what i do worst, i feel that im heading towards a disaster =(
i have been reading up about the massacre at Virginia Tech, i rmb it was the day i just recieved TIME:Virginia Tech Special Report, i "piak" on the sofa and starting reading it immediately, i didnt know how did i get so much energy to read, but the sentence: making sense of a massacre really interested me. As i finished the articles, i realized tears rolling my eyes, i really felt like crying, its been a long long time since words and pictures touched me so much. I cant help but ask where is the love? how can someone be so cruel and inhuman to end 32 innocent lives just like that? u can say its due to mental problems...but this is really too much, you look at the past massacre numbers, the most number of ppl killed is 5, but now we have some crazy killer ending 32 lives in merely a few hours. I read that the killer's mind is full of hatred and anger, thats why he exploded, i also had times which i was so angry and hateful of some ppl, i admit la, i also had thoughts of killing everyone i hated when i was younger, but i dun see a possibility that i'll execute it, bcos im morally grounded, so i wouldnt do anything crazy. maybe the world of the killer was filled with a greater hatred then mine, but i just feel shocked by his doings. the massacre made me realized how fragile is our life, it could be ended in just a split second when u have a crazy classmate running around with a gun and firing at will, all the things u wanted in life, all the efforts u put in to achieve the achieved, all the people u love, ppl who love u and the ppl u want to love...all this will just leave u just like that, is it worth it? is it fair? Tears almost flowed down when i read about this professor blocking the entrance to the classroom so that his students could escape, in the end he sacrificed himself. How many teachers, or even how many people, can do this? it is so heartening to hear about the presence of such noble ppl in this world, this shows our world hasnt been consumed by pragmatism and selfishness. I closed my eyes and imagined myself in that very classroom, with the killer coming nearer the entrance...will i have the courage the block the entrance to let my friends escape? i said to others and myself that even though im not physically strong...i will not allow my loved ones and friends receive any harm, i will do all that i can to protect the people around me. So if my loved ones were in that classroom...will i being willing to sacrifice my life for them? after a truthful recollection, i realized that i wouldnt be able to sacrifice my life for others, sincerely as much as i wanna protect those ppl impt in my life...i am afraid of death. this reflections has revealed to me how weak a person i am, maybe its bcos i've nvr really loved anyone that much that the love can conquer the fear of death. so instead of asking where is the love? i think its more appropriate for me to ask what is love? david tao's love can concert told me that love...love can conquer everything, love can do everything...becos LOVE CAN, but what is this love we're talking about? many ppl go through life without ever understanding what true love means...im one of them, i have been listening to david tao's 爱很简单, 爱是个什么东西 and reflecting upon the lyrics, but i believe u need to experience love to really understand it, im still a immature and childish person who doesnt know about love, but i'll try my best to shower my love to all my loved ones, but if i make any mistakes on the way i really hope to be forgiven... and back to the massacre, david tao's Dear God summarises all my feelings, with globalisation the concept of love is getting more and more abstract, so b4 i let myself become consumed by busyness again....i just wanna remind everyone that ultimately love is what makes this world go round, so cherish life and your loved ones, and do not hesitate to show ur love to others, life is a short and quick journey, many opportunities will be lost if you think too much and hesitate too long, so if u have a dream...dun worry Runaway!!(this is also a david tao song =P)




dun ask anymore...yes im out of CCS already...after getting into top 22, history repeats itself again, i was just this close to achieving what i wanted, but i miss it yet again. It kinda reminds me abt NJ...i wished so much to go there, yet i miss it by one point. I think this yr is not my lucky year, so maybe i shouldnt go for anything, i should just keep and low profile and concentrate on my work to make sure i dun retain next yr. I shant say anymore about CSS, it so disappointing...but i hope i do learn a lesson from this failure, i will evaluate my problems and improve on my singing, maybe i shall join project superstar after my A levels?? haha but down here i wanna thank all my friends for having faith in me and supporting me in one way or another. thanks my OG mates for gng with me to ktv to practise b4 the first audition, and esp thanks to ryanna for choosing a fantastic song for me to sing, i think thats the only correct song i chose =P Thank you benedict and karen for staying till 12am to help me choose a song for 3rd round, even though i think i chose the wrong song again...but its all my fault=( and thank you everyone who either came down to support me or mentally supported me, thanks royston, richard, jinhoe, rachel, xuyuan, darren, tiangyong, eeyen, jingnan, jisoo, ruizhe, jeffrey, kumar....if i miss out anyone im so sorry...im abit blur now =P and esp to u who helped me make my banner...i'll replace the F4 poster with the banner and stare at it everyday haha, and giving me the support and motivation i need...and for being there for me when no one cares or bothers...too much to say and too much to thank you...its beyond words can describle....
but yea, the dream is over and i must return to reality. superstar is out of reach...and table tennis season is over...there's no more excuses for not doing work or slacking in class...i have to buck up and perform like a 9 pointer. currently im working like a 20 pointer XD and i've signed up for H3 Maths selection!! lol i dunno how am i gng to pass la, i dunno anything about A level maths, and even though i have double A1, i've long forgetten A maths liao =D but i need a H3 to qualify for scholarship, so i decided to just anyhow whack =P
regarding table tennis, SA is confirmed in top 4 already, we will be playing RJ in the semi-final, which is impossible to win, then for 3rd and 4th we will most likely face the "black horse" NYJC...yes royston's NYJC, they are HOT this yr man, they are in a very competitive preliminary group, but they managed to win everyone except HCI to advance to top 6, then at the top 6 level, they trashed NJC!! last yr's 3rd!! it was really unexpected of them...cos the top 6 draw for them was also not good, cos they got RJ and NJ, both super strong, but NY's spirit was overwhelming so much so that they trashed NJC haha!! and i concluded NJ's reason for losing...because they nvr accept me XD so yea i feel a huge sense of satisfaction now that my brother has revenged for me! but on my side, my team is doing well la, but not me...i didnt get to play any impt matches so far, my first and probably last match was against RJ, the champion, and i put up a fairly good fight by playing till 2:2 then lose 3:2. but even though im on form now, my captain and team authorities still wouldnt give me a chance to play in impt matches...i feel super unjust sometimes, i agree last time i dun get to play is bcos i really off form, but after RJ's match my confidence and form all improved, this should be the best time for me to play match! but anyway i dun blame anyone and i dun have any unsatisfacton with my team...ultimately if the team does well, i dun mind warming the bench, but if the players go up and lose the game i'll #$@!$#!$!@# XD
its already 16min past 12 and my eyelids are getting heavier and heavier....shant write anymore...maybe keep the best for the next post ba...i really need a good rest after a disappointing failure today...




hehe i was looking at mandy's blog when i saw a test she took, and i find some things it says about mandy is quite true! so i decided to take it too...haha so here it is =D


My score on The LONG Scientific Personality Test:

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ENFP - The Champion
(You scored 81% I to E, 31% N to S, 38% F to T, and 57% J to P!)

"Your type is known as the Champion type, which is part of the larger group called idealists. Nothing occurs that does not have some deep and ethical significance in your eyes. You see life as an exciting drama. You are very charismatic, yet tend to be too harsh on yourself for not being as genuine as you think you should be. 3% of the population shares your type.
As a romantic partner, you need to talk about what is going on in your life. You are a strong supporter for your partner's efforts to grow and change and be happy. You need to feel that same support from your partner. Expressive, optimistic, and curious, you are eager to enjoy new experiences with your partner, whom you wish to be your confidant and soul mate, as well as play mate. You are uncomfortable sharing negative emotion, though, and tend to withdraw from confrontation and process your feelings privately. You feel most loved when your partner appreciates your creativity, accepts your uniqueness, and sees you as the compassionate person you are. You need to hear your partner tell you how much you mean to them and would love if they did thoughtful spontaneous things to demonstrate it.
Your group summary: idealists (NF)
Your type summary: ENFP


"

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Take it!
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=16567335035599898597