this few days i've been thinking about alot of stuffs...mostly irrelevant to what im suspose to do la but i cant help it...the new CG and timetables were finally out this week and sadly to say i dun really enjoy myself in my CG...sorry CG peeps its not ur fault, i somehow feel an emptiness within me...like there's something i should do...something that is lacking in my life and something that is gng wrong with the world i live in now. as much as i can rmb...this week might be the worst week i spent in sajc...most of the time u'll see me walking around the campus aimlessly and looking around...thats bcos i cant find anyone i know and can talk to anywhere in school...soi thought why dont i just hang around with my CG ppl, which i did most of the time...but even though we had fun and laughter...i still feel that im constantly searching for something or someonw in the crowds...hoping someone will appear...i feel that there's stuff i should say and someone i should look for...but...
life has its ups and downs and sadly i've been hovering deep under for a long long long long time...i shant talk abt the academic side anymore...but now im also deep in the valley for my sports...when i realized that im staying in SA i thought to myself that i must achieve something during my stay and make myself better than those ppl in nj...i thought i was on the right track for table tennis...only to realize the big gap between me and my teammates...i confess that i had a great setback when i know that im not gng to play in the competition bcos all along i thought that i had a chance to play doubles...but i realized that i still have many problems...esp the unstable offensive that loses most points...i fully understand and accept the fact that im not good enough and putting me on the frontline will mean putting sajc's top 4 spot at risk...im just very angry at myself...bcos seeing the way i play and the way others play...i really have a feeling of injustice...bcos i know my techniques are better...i trust that my coach taught me well...sorry teammates im not trying to insult u all of anything....but from my viewpoint i find that technique wise i understand every stroke better....but when it comes down to competiton....i will always lose terribly cos i couldnt execute properly and lack in experience....i really hate myself for no improving and not playing practically and doing pragmatic stuff...and when my teammates start telling me..."yuchuan u make too many mistakes...when the ball come dun try to attack...just bring the ball over first...play steady...." yea i understand all this but i also understand that based on the techniques i learnt...i couldve attacked the ball...but i couldnt execute it well.....see my techniques turning more and more passive...seeing the level of my skills dropping day by day...i really want to give myself 2 tight slaps and bang my head on the wall...i feel that i've let my coach in xiamen down...i feel that i've let my teammates downs...i feel that i've let my partner down and most imptly...i feel that i've let myself down... JC is only 2 shorts years....if i wanna achieve something in table tennis...i have to buck up quuickly and improve drastically...i hope that day will come when i play on par with the best players in my team and become an asset and not a burden...
that afternoon i had early dismissal and was waiting for training to start in 1 hours time...but sadly no one i know was around to chit chat with me so i walked alone around the campus...i walked and walked and walked...suddenly i realized im in the dark and vacant hall...no one was there yet...i placed my bag down and sat...and all of a sudden a strong sense of loneliness fell on me...then i started thinking...why is life for meaningless for me now? where is the motivation? where is the drive? do i still have anything that will propel me forward? if life is so meaningless....why dont we just end it all? why are we waiting for? izzit becos we fear death? then why do we fear death? if we fear death does it mean that there's something in life that is worth living for? but what is this worthwhile thing? i see nothing in life that is so great, so great that we should spend all our efforts striving for it...bcos everything will come to an end one day...we work so hard for 10 years for a olvl cert...and until jc that cert becomes useless...how long was the glory we felt? maybe 1 week? or maybe 2 weeks? thats is only 0.4% of the time we put in...so is life worth living for?? as an economist its clears not a good bargain...but why are we still so pathetically struggling in this crazy world? maybe i will nvr get the answer to all these crap questions i randomly asked myself...but one thing is for sure....i have to continue struggling in this crazy society and try to make my mark....bcos im still searching for the truth...the purpose...and the reason of life
regarding my studies...i've decided to take my alvls H1 subject at the end of this year...which i think will be a tedious process bcos i have many things to do nowadays...but i shall try my best...i've really been lagging in my work...this week my maths tutor ask me to show my working on the board....and i havent even done a single qns...so no choice...went up on board to solve on the spot....as usual la got it damn wrong and its suspose to be damn easy qns....even though its just a small incident...i reminded me of something...my purpose here is to study...even though i might not be where i wanted to be...but i want to do well...and i dun wanna fail myself again...so i should really buck and do something abt my work...and something abt my life...
campus auditions 2 is 1 day and 1 hour time...and i havent really decided what song to sing...i prepared a few songs la...getting kinda nervous abt it now bcos many ppl knew abt this and have high hopes on me...but i know very well that my singing is not good and technique wise its sucks even more...so if i really make it thru 2nd round i must really thank everyone i know and the person up there for being so kind to me...but nevertheless i joined the competition bcos i have a certain amount of confidence in winning...so i will perform to the best of my abilities and try to impress the judges as much as impossible...and friends no matter whether u will come down to support me or not...i really thank you for all ur encouragements...i hope i will not disappoint u all and also not disappoint myself...
maybe that person up there bless me....arigato...




yes...the word is "acceptance"...i have come to deeply understand the meaning of this word. It has been more than one week since i received my posting results...everything happened like a dream and ended like one too, from the start of year 2006 to now, i feel like having taken a roller coaster ride and the ride ended on low grounds for me. However i am beginning to walk out of the displeasure in my heart, at the end of the day i understood that everyone has to accept fate and move on. Thats why sometimes i say that im a free thinker but i believe in something controlling how this world runs, there's definitely something up there deciding your future and sometimes...its hard to battle fate with ur bare hands, so when we cant fight it, why dont we just follow the stream and see where it leads us too? i believe everyone has a eden of their own and until we find it, we will still be struggling in this crazy world where obstacles are always much more than smooth paths, but this is life man...this is life...we are born to face obstacles and trying to overcome it...learning how to walk...learning how to communicate...learning how to think....and of cos learning how to become a person suitable for this society. thats why many ppl are tired of living...but again we fear death...bcos there's too many things we wanna achieve and enjoy in life so much so we fear death bcos death is the unknown...isnt it ironical? So back to the topic of acceptance...i am beginning to accept where i am now and i have to...bcos i dun wanna be stuck at the same juncture all my life...i have to move on. its like i wanted a gun...but everyone else was faster than me and coped all the guns, and i could only arm myself with a sword, but i still have to find the battle alongside ppl holding guns, a sword can also kill enemies but it requires more effort and more risk...but if i learn how to manuevre it well..its could be more deadly than a gun...so i might survived and win and battle while others with gun grow tired and weary due to the weight of the gun and the limited ammunition they have...they might also be victims of friendly fires...this battle is callled the A levels...and i am going to win this battle with a sword...
my friends now are the only motivation i have...i have so many friends with the same results as me and staying...i have my seniors with 10 A1s staying...i know of ppl with 10 A1s staying....and i have teachers who scored 6 pts staying in sa...so what more do i want? do i have any rights to be discontent with what i have now? NO!! if they can score straight As armed with a sword...i see no reason why i couldnt...and with all the friends i made in sa...i think my 2 years here will be a comfortable and meaningful period of my life. we must set a high target...i know sa's results totally sucks and i heard alot abt the school admin and teachers...but really...its about how motivated we are to succeed. back in xinmin...my corhort can do so well bcos at the start of the yr, we were inspired by our seniors to do bettter than them...and thru out the yr we were motivatiing ourselves to excel...chiong tys and 5ys...staying back after school for mass study groups and pia-ing at the right timing...the 2007 batch of saints are the batch with the lowest agg in history, so we should re-write the history of sa and bring back our good results, we will make sure we value-add ourselves and not downgrade our value. so...the target is set...4 As for alevels 2008!! i must not disappoint time and time again like this...its no fun
to my ex-classmates of 405...i know all of us are gng seperate ways, but most of u will still see each other very often...we seem to love the letter "N" very much...half of us is in NYJC...and then another half is at NP...lol of cos there's some exceptios like me...in SA, some in AJC...one in MJ...CJ...TJ...NJ...SRJC...watever la....but i could still rmb very clearly our sec 4 days...they were the best so far...i really miss the times when everyone was in one class doing all the stupid craps...i really miss our sofas at the back of the classrooms where i often laid and slept on...i really miss the purple and orange walls and the always not working aircon...and of cos i loved the classrooom at the 4th level where the aircon always works...i miss the days b4 and after prelims when everyone stays back until 6 or 7 plus...until the uncle have to chase us out every evening....i know we had hard times back then....but it was all worthwhile today....i hope we will not let our lubricated engines rot and die out...keep the xinmin spirit burning and we will all succeed in our whole fields!
a big thank you to all who supported me for the campus auditions...no matter whether you were personally there that day...it doesnt matter...as long as i know that u truly gives me ur support...i will be deeply grateful. i know that the time is very early and the place is very inconvinient...so dun worry if u cant make it down personally... now that i've got thru the 1st round...the competition is even more intense...bcos all those that got thru are really good singers and out of 1500 ppl, only 10 will be selected....i dunno how many got thru the 1st round...but i will treat every round as the final round and do my best...i will strive to do xinmin and sa proud...and all my energy comes from u guys...so if u all dun give up on me...i will be ever-ready to face any obstacles...the world is full of them anyway...so im gng to start practicing and present my best on 31st march....so that even if i dun get thru...i will have no regrets...opps sounds like walliam hung lei....LOLx




its drizzling outside...as if the sky is crying for me too...i just wrote a super long essay abt my despair and sorrow and its all GONE!! stupid blogspot...wasted my whole afternoon typing...i shan't retype everything cos i cant, few moments ago i was in the super blue mood and was full of anger and sorrow...but after writing it all out i feel better now....still feel very pissed with the posting results, i feel that i've wasted my time studying...whats the pt of getting 9pts when i couldnt even go into the school i want? i would rather you give me a 11 or 12 pt so that i can go SA without regrets...but as i said life is full of regrets....and there's always something not enough...something u dun have and desire...i came to realize that in the life there's only two situation...succeed or fail...there's nth in between and there's no consolation prizes up for grabs. Its like you can lose a match by a point....or lose it by 10 20 pts...but u still lose!! no one will tell you hey you only lose by one pt, so u deserve the trophy...thats BULLSHIT!! for my case, im the total failure...i fail myself again and again...i just find myself so useless...i've lost all desire to advance now, i dunno what to do and i forgot what i did already...im totally defeated by my destiny, but who is there is save me? who is there to help me up? its always me pulling myself up, how many times must i fall to learn how to walk?? i've had enough of this type of feeling already....secondary i miss the cut-off my 2pts, jc miss by 1pt...no one will tell me hey u are one pt short...nvm we accept u...i really dunno whats wrong with me...failing time and time again...just tell me how much effort i have to put in will you?? i really dunno what will push me on now...sorry my this post super no substance, thanks to the stupid blogspot which deleted my 1000 word essay just now}=< thanks brother look for gng with me to appeal...